Guilty
by soapyraindrops
Summary: Experimental one-shot set during Father Knows Best. Emily can't get to sleep so she lets her fingers wander... read the notes inside for a better summary


**This fic has been in my head for bloody ages. It's kind of an experiment set during Father Knows Best. Idea is that Emily can't get to sleep and resorts to a little self-love and knows she's supposed to be thinking about Maya but can't get Paige out of her mind. **

**It's got a lot of Emaya feels/sex in it but is ultimately Paily inspired. I'm not sure if it works, but here's hoping.**

**Constructive reviews get you a cookie :)**

Emily tossed and turned in her bed, her brain insistently going over and over the same things. She had gone to bed early because she was meeting her father at the airport the following morning and she wanted to be well rested. Hanna had gone out with Mona for the evening and her mom had disappeared out of the door with nothing more than a rushed comment over her shoulder that she would be home late. Emily climbed into bed at 10 o'clock with the lights off and had put her head back on the pillow, closing her eyes, fully expecting to drift off to sleep.

When sleep had not come, Emily decided to resort to the usual method to force her brain to be quiet and relax. She had slipped her hand into her pyjama bottoms and begun toying with her clit, running light circles around it to tease herself and get into the mood. It didn't work at first as she found it hard to push away the thing that was keeping her awake in the first place. She had reached the stage where she was sure Maya was ignoring her calls as a way to break up with her, and she was alternately kicking herself for handling things so badly and being pissed at Maya for giving up so easily. It was therefore not easy to fantasise about the Maya she loved, the Maya who made her feel safe, the Maya who had tenderly touched her all over and then in one specific place over and over again until she had shuddered and cried out as a release flooded through her body. It was that she usually thought of when she touched herself like this - that first time with Maya - one of three precious moments they had spent together before it all went wrong.

Emily tried to concentrate on that memory, pushing away the hurt and confusion thinking about Maya caused these days. She was technically still her girlfriend, after all, and if she could just get into the swing of things then she was sure she'd be able to enjoy herself. But as she screwed her eyes up and pressed just a little bit harder on her clit, an entirely inappropriate image popped into her head. She hastily pushed it away and was shocked to find herself more aroused that she had any right to be. The image crept back in and for just a moment she allowed herself to concentrate on it experimentally. Paige McCullers was leaning against the desk in front of her, her eyes betraying her as they glanced down at Emily's lips and gave away exactly what she was thinking for all the world to see. It had stirred Emily at the time, clouding her mind and making her breathe in sharply before clearing her throat and moving swiftly on. She pushed it away again and blinked, stilling her hand to stop herself from getting any enjoyment from the image.

She was really not supposed to be thinking about Paige McCullers, especially since Paige had tried to kiss her later that night at precisely the wrong time. Emily would freely admit to anyone who asked that she was a bit of a mess at the moment so she didn't feel too bad admitting that she was both seriously attracted to Paige and devastated about Maya at the same time. Paige was right about one thing, she thought, she did need someone she could rely on. But clearly that person wasn't Paige; it didn't take a genius to realise that trying to kiss someone who was crying about their girlfriend going missing did not constitute support.

Emily took a deep breath and tried to focus on Maya again, this time thinking about their first date in the cinema and how desperate their kissing had turned. She started moving her fingers again, finally able to enjoy the sensation as the tips of her fingers slid over the sensitive bundle of nerves. She thought about the feel of Maya's lips against her own, the taste of her tongue as it met hers for the first time, the tingling that ran down her neck as Maya's hands reached around her to draw her further in. She remembered leaning closer into the kiss, a heat rising between her legs that she was wholly unfamiliar with, and then in an instant Maya melted away and she was sitting on her window seat reaching her own hand up to draw Paige further in as they kissed, a shocking mirror of Maya's gesture only weeks before. Emily froze. This was not happening again. This was definitely _not_ happening again. The problem was that there was a small, perhaps very confused, part of herself that wanted to give in to her desire for Paige and see where it went. The rest of her just felt guilty, almost like she was cheating.

She opened her eyes and looked around the dark room as if it might contain answers. Frustrated, she turned over and reached her spare hand under the bed to find the shoebox she had hidden that contained her most secret possessions. She flipped the lid in the darkness and, checking that the house was still silent, took out the most embarrassing thing she owned. It had been an untactful gift from Hanna just after Maya got sent away the first time – to keep her company, she was told - but Emily had hidden it in her room unused for months until one day she got curious and tried the reasonably-sized silicone vibrator out on herself with great success. She didn't use it very often because she always felt embarrassed when she did, but it had a tendency to make her forget whatever was bothering her so she thought it would push thoughts about Paige out of her mind for good.

She pushed her pyjama bottoms down around her ankles and ran the tip of the shaft along her slit, surprised at how wet she was after only a little stimulation. The vibrator was really a dildo with a vibrating function; it was ribbed along the shaft, curved upwards to reach the g-spot and had a thick head that shocked Emily every time she slid it inside herself. She gasped, now, as she pushed it in, stretching her in every direction for the first time in a long time. Once it was fully inserted, it seemed to Emily that it had done the job as her mind went completely blank, only capable of registering just how very _full_ she felt. But as she started to move it in and out in slow, steady thrusts she realised how wrong she had been to think this would work. Far from pushing Paige out of her head, all she could see now was Paige opposite her in the classroom, moving in – maybe to kiss her? - as the air around them seemed to physically heat up. She thought without trying of Paige's big brown eyes looking at her with such adoration and tentative hope that she managed to be both vulnerable and sexy at the same time. Then her mind dropped heavily to the gutter as she remembered what Paige's body looked like that day, wearing low-cut jeans and a wide black belt that showed off the curve of her hips and her strong, muscular thighs. She let out one very small, involuntary whimper from the back of her throat and came suddenly to her senses, stilling her hand even as her walls complained at her in frustration.

What the hell was she doing? This was wrong. She was supposed to be thinking about Maya, her girlfriend. Maya, her girlfriend, who had lied to her about the joint and then disappeared without even trying to sort things out with her parents. Maya, her girlfriend, who wasn't answering her phone calls.

She didn't know what to do and she squirmed on the bed, wanting neither to stop nor carry on. She tried again with her fingers on her clit, this time imagining what Maya's mouth would be like pressed against her core if they had ever gotten around to doing that. But as the fantasy heated up, black hair turned auburn and there was Paige again, lying between her legs, her hand reaching up to gently pinch one of Emily's nipples as her tongue lavished her clit with attention. And what was worse – oh god, it was so much worse – was that as soon as it was Paige, Emily had become instantly more wet. She could feel an orgasm developing in the pit of her stomach and, despite herself, she really wanted to give in and keep going. She started to think that maybe she had no choice in the matter and that she had come this far already – if fantasising could be counted as cheating then she had already cheated, so why not finish it off and worry about the guilt later?

Having convinced herself, Emily started to thrust with the vibrator, letting her mind wander where it wanted. After that, it felt all too real for Emily as Paige seemed to materialise on top of her, kissing her neck and pinching her nipple with one hand as the other trailed down Emily's stomach. Emily drew the toy out as she imagined Paige reaching her entrance and teasing her for a moment before slipping her fingers inside at the same time as Emily pushed the dildo back in. The sensation was glorious and satisfying at last and Emily let go, thrusting the dildo in faster and faster and for the briefest time she was sure that it really was Paige's fingers inside her. She felt like she could feel Paige pressed against her, her weight bearing down, mouths open in a passionate kiss as they breathed in the same air, making her safe as her scent filled Emily's nostrils. She heard Paige's voice, husky and low, asking her to come as her walls tightened and her back arched and her whimpers were swallowed by Paige's kiss and pure bliss rushed over her in solid, heavy waves.

Emily fell back against the mattress and as the waves of pleasure receded, they were replaced by hollow, awful feelings of guilt. Why on earth did she just let herself do that? What kind of person did it make her to forget about her girlfriend so easily just because some hot girl at school had a crush? Did it mean anything? Even if it did, she couldn't do anything about it anyway. She felt sick and pushed the vibrator under her pillow to hide it, as if it signified her shame and hiding it from herself would help make it go away. She pulled her pyjamas up and sat up on her bed, red in the face and lonely.

She thought about it for a while and eventually reached the conclusion that, even though she felt guilty, it didn't really mean anything except that she was attracted to Paige. She had known that anyway. All she needed to do now was be careful around the girl, not lead her on or let herself be carried away by loneliness in Maya's absence. She would need to make sure Paige knew she only wanted to be friends and avoid being alone with her in places where they might be tempted. She just hoped it would be easier said than done.

Resigning herself to getting no sleep until she had cleared her head, Emily got up with a sigh and dragged herself down the stairs to hunt for some ice cream and wait for Hanna to get home.


End file.
